New Year, changing world

Boy did my world change in just the two days when I didn’t write. But I did get a nap, there’s always that. I wrote in my last couple of posts that I need to figure out where “this” is going. In more ways than one. And that writing helps me to sort thoughts and help me figure out what to do. There’s usually a process: thinking, writing, sorting, enlightenment, and then action. Not this time. Although lately there has been a lot of enlightenment and no action or even writing about this “this.” Really not just lately. For a long ass time. More specifically, EVERY DAY for at least the last year.

I spent the last couple of days at my boyfriend Michael’s house for New Years. We had a good time (we always do) in the comfy cozy kind of settled way that we do, doing all the normal couple things like shopping, cooking, eating, and sleeping (other bed fun too). I took down the Christmas tree (while he was online shopping for boots) and we talked about how next years tree has to have more ornaments on it. It was going very well. It always goes well and has for the last 3 years.

I should tell you that I had a prior discussion with Michael about wanting to get married or buy a house together and move on with our lives together. He said no. He didn’t give a reason. Would not give a reason. But I know it’s because his dead wife (who was his soulmate AND perfect, like all dead people) of only 6 years lived in that house. She died in the house too. Anyway, that was months ago, and while he prob forgot about it, I thought about it EVERY DAY. What I mostly thought about was how unfair it was that she was holding me back. Then I thought about it more. Thought about Michael and who he is, what he’s capable of. I knew he hadn’t completely jumped in our relationship because he was still SO HURT from her death; I knew he hung on to everything, both material items and ideas, not just relating to his perfect dead wife – although he still (creepily) has personal stuff of hers in his dresser, 8 years after her death; I knew he was lazy in life and would give up on anything if it required too much hassle. I am anything. I need work AND for him to let go/face all of the “stuff” getting in the way of our relationship.

Back to yesterday when all was going so well. I simply brought up the subjects of getting married or buying a house together. He still said no. No reason. I told him that if he felt that way, that I could not continue to feel like I’m wasting my time with him EVERY DAY. And I told him that EVERY DAY I thought about breaking up with him; I told him it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, I loved him enough to know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That outburst was met with a blank stare. At that point I realized that if Michael was not the guy for me. If he was, he would do ANYTHING for me to make me happy. What I was asking was not too much, it just was for him. He was not my guy. I was work. So I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, that we were done. The worst part for me after that, was him looking at me with that same blank stare. Not saying anything. Like it didn’t bother him. I even asked him if it bothered him. He said we weren’t that compatible anyway. Whatever. He can go back to crying over his perfect dead wife. It’s easier for him. Because real living people are harder to please than ghosts, we require our needs to be met.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

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