A big part of growing up is learning how to do things that you don’t want to do, but have to. I’m talking about little things like taking out the garbage, cleaning, having proper etiquette at social gatherings- and even bigger things such as bathing your mom after her surgery. Yet some things happen involuntarily and sneak right up on us before we even know a THING was even there. Those can be pleasant things (like getting kissed by Debbie on New Years Eve), intense things (like your mom suddenly needing major surgery), or even scary things- like when you realize that the control you had over your life and your path of self-actualization needs to take a different route because of an outside force causing you to do this. For my best friend Marie, her life plan changed because of her cheating husband (soon to be ex). I also have another friend whose life is taking a different path because of the debilitating illness her husband has, yet another who just accepted a job promotion and transfer. We all have crap/THINGS — both good and bad — which have the potential to add to our lives, alter our paths, and can even force us start over. The THING that has the potential to change my path of self-actualization (not my life path), that’s currently changing how I see it evolving, is my THING with said guy.
I wrote in https://everyonehascrap.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/binary-oppositions-sex-and-making-love/ about my hope for my everyman, my desire to fill up my own version of Sternberg’s silly love triangle (instead of his idea of consummate love), and that I was a romantic realist who is looking for companionate love, not of romantic love. And I know you’re probably thinking (and you’re right) that one of the biggest issues that I have with my self-actualization process and growth is dealing with intimacy and all that deep emotional crap- especially with men, and that it’s way easier for me to just hop on than try to feel all that deep crap. But you should also know that by being kissed by Debbie and acknowledging my significant others, I have recently developed that part of myself, and am proud of the “moments of intimacy” which I have had. So it should come as no shock to either you or I, that my THING with said guy (who I have written about in my last couple posts) is pushing the limits of was planned as being a simple and easy hopping type thing to a more deep emotional type THING. Maybe it came because I have given into to those same brief moments of intimacy with him…I should have known it would eventually come, but I didn’t realize that it would feel so cool, and yet so scary at the same time.
So while I am proud of myself for having brief moments with said guy, it scares the crap out of me. He’s not a friend like Debbie or one of my significant others who will probably be a part of my life forever because we have a history; the deep emotional moments of intimacy are based upon a built friendship. This guy is new, really new, and there’s no history or foundation. He’s free to toss in the towel at any time, so am I. And that’s what scares me. I like him. I like what I know of him and want to know more- really really bad. But I don’t even think of him as my everyman. It’s strange because he’s the closest so far to what my everyman idea is about, but he’s a real person, and he’s actually sleeping in my bed right now, so he’s even better. But at the same time, I feel wimpy. And I think that if I had to do it all over, I might not have taken the chance. I feel wimpy, scared, and powerless. Yet I feel completely fantastic too. And I also feel as if it did just sneak up on me. But I’m going to take Marie’s advice and continue to try and relax, let myself experience and feel things that have not been a part of my life for a long ass time, and see which path it takes me on. After all, I did set out on a quest for self-actualization and this was my biggest obstacle. Part of me feels as if I can do it, yet the other part of me (the wimp) is actually considering tossing in the towel. I’ll keep you posted…I have someone to wake up now.