Recently I skirted around an issue about someone who I am “hanging out” with in a conversation I had with my 16 year old son. I told my son that I was “hanging out” with said guy, thinking that it would placate him enough to not ask those probing questions- those questions which a 16 year old boy always asks his mom when she’s on the way out the door to “hang out” or simply go on a date. But it didn’t work. It was actually worse. The questions were more intense then had I simply said I was going on a date; I got the who, what, when, where, and why from my son. In answering them all, I realized that I diminished not only the event of “hanging out,” but also the who and why. I said that it was just a friend that I was going to “hang out” with and my son sarcastically asked me if that’s what they call it now-referring to more of a hook up sex type thing. Ouch! Now I feel bad, because in the diminishing of the event (to make it not seem as if it’s not a big deal to my son) I also diminished the who and why and he deserves more than that. I think I skirted around the issue because the other dates that I had been on were all simple first dates that were about meeting some online chump or fix-ups by friends; this one was more real because it’s a person from my everyday life, I didn’t really know what I wanted yet, still don’t, and for sure didn’t want to admit the potential for more to my son- or myself, or said guy, or anyone really. But now even you know.
That was only a week ago, yet it feels longer. I’ve seen said guy every day but one since then, and my son even met him the night after the “hang out” at his (my son’s) gig. Actually, the entire band and all of their parents met him too. He did awesome, seemed to like everyone, and they liked him too. And since this isn’t about him really, or the “things” that are likable about him, you should just know that I obviously like him too. But after the drummer’s mom pointed out to me how hard it probably was for said guy to meet everyone, it made me think about said guy’s point of view and what he walked into by simply going to the gig. So now I feel as what started as a simple “hang out” has turned into a bigger deal. And I don’t know who I’m trying to kid because it is kind of a big deal: I have never introduced anyone to my son, the band, or the parents in the three years that there’s been a band. So I think they all know something’s up. Now I just have to ask myself those same probing questions and actually answer them too.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I am in the process of self-actualization (https://everyonehascrap.wordpress.com/2013/12/21/im-a-pain-in-the-ass-for-no-reason-at-all-why-is-that/) and am looking for who I have referred to as my “everyman.” You also know that I have intimacy issues because I am wimp about letting people in (https://everyonehascrap.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/binary-oppositions-sex-and-making-love/). What you don’t know, that I’ve only hinted about, is that I’m an ENFJ from the Meyers-Briggs personality assessment (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ.html). I get satisfaction by serving others and making them happy, but sometimes overlook or misread my own wants and/or needs in getting there. The sucky part about all of who I am, in being an ENFJ and ME, is that sometimes it makes me wonder if it’s the satisfaction I get from making people happy that only situation-ally makes me happy. It’s really hard for me to assess what I REALLY want because of that. So, if you take the facts that I’m attempting to become self-actualized, am looking for my everyman, and that I have intimacy issues- then combine them with someone who seems to be willing to help me with all of those, it gets a bit tricky. I know that I simply need to relax and see what happens, but there is another person who matters in this instance- a person with his own wants and needs, feelings too. It’s not all about me this time. Oh, that was an awesome moment of growth for me. You should be proud; I am getting there. Now I only need to figure out the answers to my own probing questions about what started out as a simple “hang out” with a friend to see if it could be a big deal. All while trying to relax, assessing the moments of intimacy to see if it’s what I want-or am simply making someone else happy, or if my quest for my “everyman” and filling up that stupid love triangle are distracting me. I wish I could just turn it off and not think sometimes…it’s so much easier.