Binary oppositions- sex and making love

Three days without writing…and as I sit here wondering what to write about, it completely fascinates me that keywords like penis, whore, and lesbian kiss are what bring most people to my blog from search engines. Yet to contradict that, the most popular tags are relationships, everyman, and hope. Are these two different groups of readers? Or is it that they all really go together and don’t contradict each other at all? If you really think about it, they do. And for that reason, we live in a society that has lots of crap, both good and bad, that need each other, like the idea of binary oppositions. It’s impossible to have good crap without the bad to help define both ends of the spectrum. But while these two sets of words aren’t obviously a perfect opposition, it’s obvious that the more risque terms symbolically stand for a more sexual representation and do oppose the more idealist terms. The sad part about it all, is that the optimistic tags of relationships, hope, and even the idea of the everyman are opposed by a part of what should contribute to making all of those ideas special. And that’s sex. Or making love, depending on where you are in the binary opposition spectrum.

In a “real relationship” with “hope” and even the “everyman” idea, there is supposed to be the Triangular Theory of Love ultimate goal of consummate love- which is a combination of commitment, passion, and intimacy. Since we have already established my issues (the romantic and intimate part scares the crap out me) with achieving that ultimate goal of consummate love in this post,, it makes me wonder (because of the tags and searches) if anyone can achieve that goal? It seems as if basic sexual desires get in the way, people seem to routinely give into attraction, and people can’t really commit anymore. And don’t get me wrong, making love is fantastic. But even in my own last “real” relationship, I was annoyed because making love is all my boyfriend wanted to do at first; it took forever for us to have plain old down and dirty sex, and I had to initiate it. But there’s a balance there that’s needed, even in the “real” relationship- hence, the necessary binary opposition of making love and sex. Sometimes you just need to have that more primal release, which is the reason why there’s no commitment- and people search things like penis, whore, and lesbian kiss. They want conformation that they’re not alone. At least that’s what I’m going with.

So maybe I’m right to be a romantic realist who is looking for companionate love (it’s in the same post, read it), instead of romantic love. Maybe we all are. Maybe Robert Sternberg was wrong about his Triangular theory of love, and there can’t actually be a consummate love. He did actually say that if passion fades over time (as it will), that consummate love changes into companionate love. He did write his theory almost 30 years ago, when the world and relationships were much different. Ironically, I do still have hope for my next “real” relationship, however it fills that silly triangle up, because we all do. That hope stems back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the universal needs we all need to properly function on a basic level. And they are: physiological, safety, belonging/love, and self-esteem. As people, we fundamentally need others. I wrote about it in this post: But, since I am an overachiever by nature, I am seeking the highest level of Maslow’s need theory- to reach my full potential as a person (which only 2% of the total population achieve), or self-actualization. And because part of getting to that full potential (for me) is about having a “real” relationship – giving into the deep emotional crap, having at least brief moments romantic intimacy, and filling up MY triangle – I have to balance my own binary oppositions between sex and making love, as it seems everyone has issues with, from what they reveal in their searches and what they read.



  1. […] You also know that I have intimacy issues because I am wimp about letting people in ( What you don’t know, that I’ve only hinted about, is that I’m an ENFJ from the […]

  2. […] wrote in about my hope for my everyman, my desire to fill up my own version of Sternberg’s silly love […]

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