When I first ventured in the online dating world, I did it mainly because I was unemployed and bored. Sure I didn’t think it would hurt to get a little attention and possibly go out with a few of the guys on there. But never in a million years did I believe that I would meet a guy of quality or substance on there. I figured if they were that fantastic, why do they even need a dating site? Why isn’t there a line of women waiting to date them? You would think that if they were all that, friends and family members would have endless numbers of women to set these fantastic quality guys up with- especially guys in their 40’s, who have expansive peer groups and connections. I guess my point is that I never expected to meet my everyman through an online dating site. Now, almost two months from the day I started my first online profile (I had two of them), I’m wondering if it’s simply a way for people (of all types) to simply put themselves out there, using dating sites as a type of lazy methodology, to find whatever or whoever it is they’re looking for. I think it is possible that there are other people’s everyman’s and everywoman’s on dating sites, just not mine. And it’s that preconceived notion of what we’re all looking for, like a mold we’re trying to fill, that I believe is holding us all back. Relationships aren’t about filling a mold right away; they’re about learning what fits and what doesn’t, give and take, and mostly about acceptance. Sure there’s initial attraction and compatibility that leads up to that first date, but after that it’s all about digging in deeper, finding out more, and actual work.
Maybe I’m pessimistic about online dating (or dating in general) because my online dating assessment labeled me as “a romantic realist who is looking for companionate love, someone who is happy with their life, is not looking to fill a void, [and] is ready for a relationship.” But there’s even a contradiction as to what I’m looking for in there. How can I be looking for companionate love and be ready for a relationship if I am happy with my life and not trying to fill a void? It’s mind boggling. Which brings me to what was probably my last first online date with McFly last night. Oh, not that he’s THE guy, I deleted all my online dating profiles just after the first of the year. Although there is that one other guy, McFly’s runner up, the attractive and mysteriously busy guy who seems really cool, who sporadically texts. But I’m not holding out for him even a little bit either. He’s busy, but he is back in town. I guess the point of this paragraph is to share my frustrations about what I’m looking for (if I’m even looking) and what they all are looking for. And for me it’s different will all of them- I wanted to cuddle my “that guy” and I can’t even imagine cuddling McFly (yet?). I still think just having sexual relationships is easier, less confusing, and less stressful- but since I’m trying to achieve that never ending goal of self-actualization, I need to include that deep emotional crap. Back to McFly.
We had dinner and it was good. We talked, laughed, asked and answered questions. He checked me out; I checked him out. I’m cute; he’s cute. We would make an adorable couple. But I am the most horrible person at reading guys. So I have no clue what he thought even a little bit. When I talked with Marie, I told her that it all depends on what he’s looking for, that mold he’s trying to fill. I also said that at this point I haven’t invested enough into him that it even matters. It’s not as if I spent 968 minutes and lots of time on this one. He’s not “that guy” who gave me hope and made me want more, he’s just a guy so far. And not to totally dismiss McFly, he was great and has potential, but I’m not captivated. I could be, but that’s up to him really. I guess when “that guy” ditched me, it made me realize that people are more shallow and unemotional than I am; and actions, or even words, don’t really mean anything until you’re actually there, going through the motions and taking that chance. He made me realize that people can suck- and not to believe words, plans, or even hope for even a brief minute for more. And yes, I still can’t believe my “that guy” did that. Whatever, moving on…and I’m still an idiot.
So now I’m in that holding pattern and am the most impatient person in the entire world. I honestly think that because I suck at reading guys unless they do something to let me know they’re into me, and I believe them (especially now, after “that guy” totally led me on), I’m going to assume that there’s nothing there. I was thinking about my most recent relationships and how most of them started out with me having no clue that the guy was even into me as a girl. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s true. I was friends with my former husband for about a year before he asked me out, my ex-boyfriend forever, and my former boss as well. I can’t pick signals up, read body language, or even (now) believe actions or words. And I’m not stupid, I know I’m fantastic, but not necessarily everyone’s fantastic. I was in McFly’s phone as Sandy POF, really? At what point does my actual last name get put into there? And even if he does call, and we do this thing, at what point do I really know? Is it when I get that Facebook friend request? Lol. I do know something though: that while my two month stint of online dating took lots of time, I met lots of guys, it provided lots of entertainment, had both ups and downs, hopes were realized and shattered, that I learned a lot about myself and can happily say that I’m glad it’s over. I’ll keep you posted on McFly…