I haven’t written for over a week, mainly because I was tired of the same old crap and figured you all were too. Although now I feel as if I’m behind and need to catch up. I started my job only 4 days ago and New Year’s Eve was almost a week ago. Part of me didn’t want to write because I didn’t want to post the typical crap about what my personal resolutions are – because everyone else did that. I also didn’t want to post more sappy and pathetic aspirations about my everyman or even my quest to find him. But something has happened, it seems to me, in the last week- 9 days really. I don’t know what caused it, only that I am embracing this new-found realism that I have acquired; it’s more of an acceptance of both life and self, with a healthy balance of optimism and pessimism. There’s a list of stuff that I want to write about (I actually keep a note card in my back pocket so I can write topics down). And I think that maybe that list, combined with ME, has transmuted me from the wimpy chick with the fake smile and drippy tears to a confident woman who is genuinely smiling, with her shoulders back, proud of herself. I know, it freaked me out too. The list, in no particular order is: snow, kissing Debbie at midnight on New Year’s Eve, deleting all my online dating profiles (even the fake ones), karma, McFly, and the fact that my new job is really cool.
To make this not the longest blog post and prevent my readers (even my “that guy” who I know still reads) from eyestrain, I will attempt to be quick about it all. If not, please remember that this blog isn’t really for you. I’m going to start with online dating; it takes up a lot of time. Guys write you, you have to look at their profiles, decide if they’re worthy of a response (after wondering why, if they’re so great, are they on there?), write them back or not, keep them all straight, and even more intense after you realize that you want to know them better- decide how much to share of your personal life, when to give your actual phone #, when to call, and when to meet. Besides my everyman poser (“that guy”), I met one other guy in person who just didn’t do it for me; so two are already history. Currently I have been texting 4 guys from there, and one (McFly, my current favorite) texts and calls me regularly- not quite to the extent “that guy” did, but he is still very attentive. One is a “nice” guy who lives far away, who I’ll never meet in person because he’s an online only kinda guy. Another one seemed to have potential at first, but since he’s been texting me for almost 3 weeks, I’m realizing that he’s kind of boring and lives a life that I never could. My runner-up is an attractive and mysteriously busy guy who seems really cool, but is either married or just too busy in general for me to really get to know better. McFly is really cool and cute too, lives close enough (but not too close) for a “real” relationship, and has potential. I’m probably meeting him this week, but am not even remotely thinking of his as my everyman, although maybe he will surprise me. Last Friday, after more proclamations of love and sexual desire from complete strangers, I deleted all my profiles. It’s not my thing. Before it let me do it though, I had to complete some kind of relationship personality assessment.
The assessment was really long and asked some big questions. It proclaimed me to be a romantic realist who is looking for companionate love, someone who is happy with their life, is not looking to fill a void, is ready for a relationship, but (big shock here) may have problems obtaining consummate love- the complete form of love (from the Triangular Theory of Love, whatever) which is a combination of commitment, passion, and intimacy. Obviously intimacy is my problem. I think that ties into my title of romantic realist, but romantic realism isn’t what you think. It’s actually bad; it diminishes that bigger picture of fairy tale-like romantic love to a more realistic expectation. Basically, I’m not holding out for the romantic fantasy/fallacy of being swept away to an emotionally attached passionate relationship or the idea of happily ever after. I’m realistic and know that those are rare and brief moments, not the glue that holds a relationship together. Maybe my issues with all that romantic crap are because being intimate scares the crap out of me, for fear of being hurt, letting someone really in, and letting myself out. And maybe, because I recently had those little drippy tears, proving that I can do it, the moments of intimacy will be enough- like my kiss with Debbie at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Because you never know who is going to surprise you with a kiss that really means something. Thanks Debbie!
And while this is already too long, I have to address snow, karma, and my new job. They’re all related. Karma is my new best friend and I am really feeling it. Maybe it’s because I’m being rewarded for my self-actualization progress. Or maybe, karma and the universe are both responding to the positive vibrational attitude that I’m emitting. Either way, I’ll take the new job, the more self-actualized me I’m becoming more every day, and the genuine smile. One of the reasons my smile is there is because I believe that my new friends, karma and the universe, are punishing my “that guy” for being a total jerk. And no, I haven’t heard anything from him, don’t plan on it, and don’t really care (pretend I didn’t just lie about not caring, thanks). It’s my “that guy’s” first winter ever. He’s from the south. He was already being wimpy about the cold last month and has never dealt with snow or ice. We’re in the middle of a huge ass snowstorm right now, so bad that everything’s closed, and are also about to have record-breaking lows for the next few days. So I believe my friends are trying to make his life difficult for making mine difficult. I also believe that snow gets a bad rap symbolically; while it represents purity and tranquility, it also is symbolic with death- winter and the death of crops, the death of the year, and the death of the sun. I love the snow and don’t think of it as death at all- except for maybe it being tied to a symbolic type of frozen rain, with purity and tranquility, a more gentle washing away the bad crap, a softer type of cleansing. So as the snow falls, it’s a reminder of the power of my new friends, that a kiss can mean something, and being realistic is not about giving up hope for that sappy romantic “real” relationship. It’s about confidence, balancing the optimism and pessimism, and knowing I am ready for whatever’s out there.