Normally when I write, I do it first thing when I wake up, with that first cup of coffee, that first sip even at my desk. I have dogs, so it’s after they go out, I actually make and prepare the coffee, and then sit- about 15 minutes. But today I didn’t write first thing; I had a song on my mind, so I played it. The song matters less than what I discovered about my music choices because they do parallel my life right now. The last song I wrote about (as an inspiration of hope for myself attempting to have a real relationship) was this one, Muse’s “Unintended” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9LOFXwPwC4 which Matthew Bellamy (cutie) explains here: “The song I wrote about the girl was written in the studio after a phone conversation with her. We called it ´Unintended´ because it came out of nowhere, and I didn’t mean it to happen, all of these feelings for this girl.” Even Matthew Bellamy gets it, that idea about having feelings about someone who he doesn’t even really know, someone who inspires hope of possibly being “the one.” Cutie or not, he’s also brilliant because he acknowledges that he has to take care of his past crap before he can get to her: “I’ll be there as soon as I can, but I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.” My point is, that everyone has crap, has been broken, and yet still has hope. It’s fascinating to me about the hope. And while I still grasp on to a thin thread of hope, I’m not making bets that I’ll be pulled up anytime soon. Sure there is another guy (a new one, not the “that guy”) holding the thin piece of thread, but I’m worried (like Matthew Bellamy is) that it’s possible my broken pieces aren’t mended enough. And that sucks. I got that from my string of music choices today, because they were less about hope for that real relationship, and more about self acceptance and choices.
It started out with Jewel. I love Jewel and played a ton of her songs. But the song on my mind was “Hands” and I continued after a while to “Good Day,” and then to “You Were Meant for Me.” So there’s a bit of hope there, that tiny thread. But it made me wonder who the “you” was in that last song- if it was my bigger idea of the everyman, or my that guy, or even a specific person from my past. And then I started obsessing- no shock there I’m sure. I don’t think it is a specific person. And while I’m glad about that, that sucks too. Then, in my obsessive state and WAY too much coffee, I searched for a song for the new guy. It took forever and none of them fit exactly. But that’s because I haven’t met him in person yet- that whole moving thing and eye contact really does matter, lol. So he doesn’t get a get a song yet. I found tons of what I’m looking for as an end result of that real relationship, even one for my “that guy,” but ugh…Music is inspiring and there’s a song to fit every situation. It also has the ability to motivate, reminisce, distract, assimilate, and even analyze. So now, as I write, I’m distracted by all the songs playing as memories and hope in the background. It’s comforting to know that all my crap (good and bad) that made me has affected other people too; we’re all mending broken pieces and clinging to threads of hope. And maybe I’m not done mending those broken pieces of my life, maybe none of us really are. And maybe if that thin piece of thread gets yanked hard enough, maybe that’s all it’s going to take. I can hope. But I do know one thing for sure, it’s that I “Haven’t Met You Yet.”