The Christmas spirit, giving, and hope…and I’m still an idiot

Everyone is going to write about Christmas today, so I might as well too. When I started this blog, I always said that it wasn’t for you, it’s for me. It’s been 20 days only, but writing daily has been something that I look forward to every morning because it helps me to work out the little things that are on my mind and some big ones too. It’s about my crap, both good and bad, other people’s crap (which is really about me too), and the uniqueness of me (both me’s) and others as well.  But since then, I’ve received requests as to what to write about. At first it made me feel almost as I was selling out, but then I realized that the requests I received were about me and intended to help me. People are awesome, they want to help for whatever reason- it might be because they really care, they might simply be people pleasers, or my words may have actually reached them and they want to see how I write about their requests. That would be really cool, even as I claim I write for myself…But again, I’m unique, an idiot, and a real person with little drippy tears and a hopeless optimism for more.

Christmas is supposed to be about family and friendships, unconditional love and support, giving and being thankful- that foolish hope and optimism that I cling to. I know who I am, the REAL ME, and also who knows that me. I know who and what to be thankful for, where my genuine non-judgmental support is, and I know how to reciprocate love with my significant others. And even while some may say that I’m a pessimist and only focus on the bad crap, I really don’t. But my bad crap – like my being ditched by that guy, my inability to have a relationship that doesn’t focus on sex, my broken nose, being poor, my messes and craziness, incomplete circuits, being self-absorbed, feeling guilty, and even the fake me with the smile on and the shoulders back – all are things that diminish the good crap, and writing about them is supposed to be a letting go, a process of healing, so that I can move on, in my quest for self-actualization. And if you think about it, all the bad crap has an opposite – my hope for an everyman, wanting to have a real relationship, accepting that people who break your nose shouldn’t be significant others, getting a job, cleaning up messes and owning the craziness, continuing to send out signals and not giving up, learning to ask probing questions to enhance my selflessness, overcoming guilt and trying to make things right, and most important is realizing that it’s ok to be and show the REAL ME- with the little drippy tears and hope for more. That’s what Christmas is about, a spirit of hope and giving.

And while that was all totally motivating and felt good, there is some crap on my mind today. No shock (I’m sure) that it’s about my everyman who I still have heard nothing from. But he’s still THERE, in the back of my mind and I wish he’d just leave. He’s obviously not worth it, or even my everyman, yet he remains there like a lingering illness which my body seems to not want to fight off. Maybe it’s because I never got the closure that I need; although I really shouldn’t need it now, after being completely ignored for two weeks. Today’s his half-birthday (obviously Christmas too) and we had an awesome talk about presents. And yes, what we talked about does relate to the true Christmas spirit. It shouldn’t matter though…I’ve even talked with and gone out with other guys, even thought a couple had potential, and a couple still do. But there he always is, like a plaguing reminder of letting myself like someone, believing that it was reciprocal (even after only 2 dates and 968 everyman minutes), having hope for more, and then nothing. A huge part of me wants him to man up and tell me to go away, but another part of me (the hopeless idiot with the little drippy tears-although I’m not crying now) clings to the foolish notion that he hasn’t yet because part of me is lingering in him too and he really is that much of a wimp to do something about it- either way. I know he doesn’t belong in my mind, deserve to be THERE, and he’s obviously not my everyman; but in the true spirit of Christmas, I want to give him a present. I want to thank him for giving me the idea of the everyman, inspiring me to have hope that I can do a relationship the right way- or at least start one. And I’m while I’m not expecting anything in return, it would be awesome if I got something back. And yes, I remain an idiotic hopeful optimistic…but at least there are no little drippy tears today and I don’t expect any either. Merry Christmas!


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