Friendships, responsibility, and guilt

A couple of days ago, I wrote about the relationship I have with my best friend, Marie- here But it really was all about me, in the sense that it was one-sided and only about her as she relates to me. I intended it to be that way (in an ironically humorous way) and now feel as it only accentuates my lack of depth in relationships and what I am trying to overcome. I love Marie, I would do anything for her – or her kids, or even her dog. I even served Walter his divorce papers when it took too long for the “official” server to do it. And that entailed me driving to the bar he frequents (with his whore) for an hour, stalking the bar until I found him, and then “serving” him, having drinks with him (I was thirsty, it was a long drive), and driving back home. And if you don’t know the reason the papers needed to be served, here ya go- What none of these posts reveal though, is that I have known Walter my entire life, which is a bit more than the 30 years I’ve known Marie. Not much, but still. So while I would do anything for Marie, I also feel a “brotherly” type love and concern for Walter- and how he’s messing up his life, and Marie’s. I also feel tremendous guilt about that, and the fact that if it weren’t for me, Marie wouldn’t be in this situation…

And while I wrote in the penis post that I never saw Walter’s penis, I’m sure I have because of the situations we have been in together. I just don’t remember. We were next door neighbors growing up and used to take baths together, they had a pool (still do), we had tons of sleepovers, and our families were, and still are, very close. We are family. Over the years, Walter has been there for me in lots of ways- he helped me move more than once, he’s rescued me from my crappy cars being broken down on the side of the road, he beat up one of my ex-boyfriends one year at a New Year’s Eve party because said boyfriend was hitting on some other chick while I was passed out drunk (don’t judge), and there’s tons more. But Walter, like Marie, is one of those people who I know would do anything for me (even now), without question, without judging. They both love me unconditionally, even with my “uniqueness” and “messes,” as I do them. And while I am extremely blessed to have two people in my life like that, it really sucks that I feel like a traitor for still being concerned about Walter AND for getting them together in the first place…

Having said that, I know that neither Marie, nor Walter have any regrets about their relationship or even failed marriage. Sure they would both change things here and there, but they have the best two kids on the entire planet (besides Matthew). My “nephews” are just 8, and twins. But I have never really seen them as twins because their personalities are so different- they’re so individualistic it’s not even funny. My favorite (again, don’t judge me for having a favorite) is the one who’s just like me, the mouthy one, the adventurer, and the thinker. The other one (he’s more reserved and Matthew’s favorite, so it balances out) and I have our moments of connection, if you will, in the early mornings while camping when nobody else is awake, taking the dogs for walks, and doing more sporty type things. The problem I have, is with the guilt I feel about the hurt they are all going through. I feel responsible and want to fix it, I’m actually a fixer, and ENFJ (Google it). And what’s worse is that Marie, being the introvert that she is, is guarded in telling me how she feels and what she needs. And wow, I have drippy tears for them now, and for me, and for not knowing how to help or FIX this. But Marie actually opened up a bit yesterday and told me she was frustrated, so I volunteered to go out there. It’s only about an hour’s drive, but seems so far away…


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