Fake smiles, drippy tears…and more crap

Yesterday was a busy day; my kid’s band had an all day fundraiser type gig. We left at 8am-ish and didn’t get home until just before dinner. It was a cool event, lots of people were there, it made a ton of money, and I had an old friend surprise me by showing up. It was a perfect day to put the smile on and the shoulders back. I’m a very social person and can be “on” at a moments notice. I even chatted with Santa, but he didn’t believe that I had been a “good girl” this year. After convincing him that I was, and asking him for what I wanted most for Christmas, he felt me up a bit- in that discreet hugging boob and butt feel sort of way. I’m not sure he’s going to pass along my list to the real Santa, but I’m hanging on to the hope that the real Santa was watching and I’m going to get it. So it was an easy day- easy to block my “crap” out, easy to smile, and easy to pretend everything was ok. But it wasn’t; and it all came out right after I got home, when I was exhausted and not distracted by anything at all.

And you know I was thinking about that guy, my “everyman,” the guy who hasn’t called or texted since Friday at 7:10 am (yeah, I just looked it up, I’m obsessing), the morning before we were supposed to hang out. We talked for 15 minutes and even about what we were going to do the next day. Everything seemed totally fine and I have no clue what happened. That’s what’s killing me and I feel as if he owes it to me to let me know. I even looked at the frequency of his calls and read the texts from the last week and got like no clues- he was attentive, like usual. The only thing I can think what his issue with me is, is if he found and read my blog, this blog (https://everyonehascrap.wordpress.com/2013/12/05/and-so-i-write/) about my “crap” in relation to him, and it scared him. Or maybe he’s read all of them now and is totally freaking out. But since I’m obsessing, I’m going to share what I think it is.

When we first talked, I had a wimpy type shyness thing with him about opening up and sharing what means the most to me. I am typically not shy at all and even blushed a ton. He teased my about it and that led me to actually do some research as to what my problem is with him- he actually suggested it. I’m an unemployed writer, it wasn’t a big deal; I have nothing but time. I even wrote a paper on it, because that’s what I do. I didn’t ever send it to him (because I’m a wimp), but we talked about it. What I found out is that I have what’s called “behavioral inhibition” which is a temporal and self created shyness that I developed to shield and protect myself (the walls…) from this situation for fear of non acceptance or rejection. I basically distance myself from activities (him) that involve intimate personal relationships and seek acceptance, but am unwilling to get involved unless certain to be liked and use shyness as avoidance when faced with personal risks, new opportunities, or unanticipated stress. I haven’t started a relationship for almost 10 years- and he knew that. So basically, I AM a wimp in relation to him. After we talked about it, he said he was going to break me of being a wimp. And I thought that was really cool, held hope that he was THE guy that would see past the fake smile, knock the walls down, and make me really feel it. I’m an idiot…

And there’s more too. While I said before that he isn’t all that, I meant in more of an abstract way for the general public. I totally like/liked this guy and even by sharing my wimpy shyness reasoning with him, it proves that I was trying. But he also knew that it was easier for me to be sexual than to be emotional- and I think that might be his reasoning for totally ignoring me. When we last talked, I said something about feeling him up and I think he got the wrong impression as to my intentions there, and it scared him. I know he wanted to do things “right” and also that he knows I have issues with depth and all that…one day we talked about him cashing in his brownie points (of which he had a ton) and he wanted me to do something crazy, to make me feel uncomfortable,  like make a nude snow angel. I told him that that would be totally easy for me because it was more sexual, and not about depth. I then told him that if he REALLY wanted me to be uncomfortable, he’d make me do something deep and look at him or touch him- even worse, look while touching him. And THAT’S what I meant by feeling him up. The most funny thing about it is that because I’m shy about deep things, I turned what I wanted to do into a sexual thing- when in reality I was thinking about more of a cuddly type feel. And again, I’m an idiot…

So now I’m contemplating what to do. Part of me believes that I should do nothing, put the smile on, shoulders back, and continue to go through the motions of life like the methodical robot that I have been. Another part of me wants to fix this with this guy because I don’t know if I can do it again. Actually, I know I can’t. And I did really like him, he was starting to be part of my daily routine even- looking forward to talking and seeing him, knowing that he’d call. So I totally know he was into me and that can’t just be turned off that quick. I mean maybe he wasn’t and decided that I’m too much work, but I AM worth the effort and time. I really am and a big part of me believes that he thinks it too. I don’t want to have little drippy tears (like right now) and not know his reasoning for totally ignoring me; I feel I deserve it. And I’m even contemplating doing that crazy chick thing where I just show up somewhere I know he is. It wouldn’t be hard. I think that by doing so, that by seeing him and looking at him, I’ll know. I’ll know if he really thinks that little of me to not respond or give me a reason; I’ll know if he’s worth the little drippy tears and me thinking he could be that guy, and still want another chance; I’ll know if he isn’t that guy who’s man enough to cash in his brownie points by making me look at him while touching him and feeling it. Or even worse, I’ll know what I thought the entire time: that it’s not really worth it to share and open up, that it’s easier to keep the walls up and not give into the emotional crap of relationships, because trying to have a “normal relationship” and do things the “right way” isn’t worth the risk of being disappointed.

 

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