The crap of being an idiot…and a “real” person

My “everyman” didn’t call, text, or even acknowledge that I’m a person- let alone a person who he had plans with. And while I’m disappointed, I feel relieved. My disappointment stems from the fact that I started to like this guy, the guy who represents my “everyman.” It also stems from the hope that I was starting to feel that there could be something bigger (or more meaningful) than I would ever let myself feel, but was willing to take a chance for. I’m an idiot. But I’m also a real person who was affected by this, that’s why I am disappointed. People shouldn’t treat others as if they aren’t real by ignoring them- especially when there has been expressions of interest, fake or not. And again, it’s not just about this guy, it’s about all of them and me. I’m really sad to say that I was right all along; keeping the walls up and not giving into the emotional crap of relationships is the way to go. But I feel relief to know that I was right all along, that trying to have a “normal relationship” and do things the “right way” isn’t worth the risk of being disappointed. If you don’t expect anything from anyone, you aren’t let down when you don’t get it. That’s going to be my new motto, pathetic as it is. And I can do it, I’ve been doing it for years and nobody really seems to even know, or worse wants to find out. It’s easy to put the shoulders back, smile (I have a fantastic smile), and pretend everything is great- people don’t ever seem to see beyond the smile. And I’m going to pretend that there aren’t little drippy tears running down my cheeks right now too- so don’t tell.

I guess this all stems from the “crap” that made me an unfeeling methodical robot. And again, this isn’t for you, it’s for me. But I got my heart broken when I was 18 and don’t believe that I’ve ever recovered from that. It wasn’t a guy; it was by someone who should love you unconditionally, someone who should stand by you no matter what, someone who broke more than my nose, they broke me. Since then, I have been doing that whole shoulders back, fake smile thing. It’s worked for the most part and I gain satisfaction out of life by making other people happy and pushing myself to be the best that I can be. I’m actually pretty awesome and proud of who I am and what I stand for. People like me too; I’m adorable, funny, brilliant, and giving. And nobody seems to see past that, to see that I am broken. It’s obviously my fault because I don’t let them in to see it. But part of me held hope for that “everyman” to man up (in a sense), knock down my emotional blocker, and make me realize that it’s ok to both give in and want something more. And it’s not even about that one guy, it’s about my attempt to be a “real” person and give into the hope that there is someone out there who can see past the fake smile and knock the wall down. I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m an idiot- an idiot with little drippy tears and a fake smile.

 

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