Another day, more crap…I’m an idiot

I actually slept in today which is ironic because the weekends are my busiest time- my kid is home and there’s always stuff that needs doing. I’m also supposed to go out with that guy tonight, my “everyman,” but I’m feeling apprehensive about it and am thinking about not going at all. I met him on some online dating site and discovered from a friend that he is on more than one site; she looked him up, found him, looked at his profile, and he wrote her. I guess I don’t know what I was thinking and should have know that there were more women out there, but I have been not even answering the people who write me (out of respect for this guy), so I assumed that he would stop too. And it’s not like I’m dead; I have guys that I could hang out with (in that totally nongrown up sexual way) and guys that interest me, but since I like what I know about this guy so far and want to know more, I’ve blocked all that to shift my focus to getting to know him more. I’m an idiot…

But here’s the deal- he’s not even all that! Sure he’s kinda cute and seems (or seemed) genuine and sincere, which is why I was trying to do things “the right way” with him. He seemed like a “keeper.” But the fact that he’s still actively looking and writing new women changes everything. It transforms his little bit of cuteness into ugliness and his sincerity into deception. I’ve only known him for a few weeks, but with all the calls and texts, it seems like more. And we’ve talked for hours about everything -and I’m SO not kidding about that- but it’s what you’re thinking. Oh, and no, we haven’t done anything even remotely physical yet except talk about it. I guess my point is that I feel a bit tricked into thinking that there was genuine interest when the whole time he was chatting up the entire online dating community. How can he get them all straight?Another thing that gets me, is that he knows I haven’t been talking with anyone else. Now I just feel really silly. It is possible (more like probable because I’m awesome) that he is into me, but my “uniqueness” has intimidated him. Maybe?

So now, this guy, who represents the “everyman” for me as I reenter the dating world has baffled me and turned me into a cynic about trying to do things the “right way.” He got my hopes up that there could be something more and only ended up confirming that the “everyman” is the player we all thought he was. Maybe I was right in the first place to keep my relationships in the bedroom…caring sucks. Now I have to decide if I want to go tonight and for what purpose if I do. I probably am, but with more guarded and realistic expectations- to get dinner and a movie. And he’ll get a me that has even more walls then before, a me that is “on” and playing too, a me that is a direct result of his “everyman” playing- and nothing else. The good news is that my friend is going to keep me posted about their relationship- HA! The bad news is that I want him not to even have written her in the first place. I’m an idiot…

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