And so I write…

I don’t sleep like a normal person; really I don’t do anything like a normal person. I’ve always thought that my “uniqueness” is what makes me special. But I got to thinking about it (I’m currently unemployed and think WAY too much) and realize that just like the fact that we all have crap, we are also all unique. So my being ME is not unique at all, it’s normal. And, it’s because of my crap- just like your “uniqueness” is a direct result of your crap. I do tend to be a bit more extroverted, intense, domineering, loud, rigid, and hyperactive than most people- to the point that I occasionally tire people out. But, what I’m not is secretive, boring, silent, ambivalent, or unresponsive. I am the most selfless person in the entire world and take extreme pleasure in making other people happy, which means that I tend to neglect myself in the process. And please don’t think that I’m writing this for you; it’s my method of self enlightenment and/or therapy. I like myself (actually love myself) and while that’s true, self actualization is a never-ending process. So please bear with me…

I typically sit here between 3 and 4 am every morning and write about anything -to anyone, about any topic- because I simply need to get it all out. Currently the crap on my mind is: my kid and his band, being jobless and struggling financially, my Obama fridge (that’s kind of a joke), the house I recently bought that needs tons of work, and this guy that I saw a couple of times who intrigues me. And again, all of my current crap is directly related to my past crap. I’m thinking about my kid, his band, being jobless and struggling because part of me STILL feels guilty for making his father leave; if I hadn’t, I could provide him the lifestyle that he had been accustomed to. The irony of the Obama fridge hits home because it’s a grant for low-income home owners, providing them with a energy efficient fridge to reduce both their monthly utility bills and the amount of aid they receive; and I’m a staunch conservative, who believes that people should work for what they get. My house is really a tiny little cottage that I love because it’s mine, cute and cozy, affordable- and most importantly, a symbol of me getting my crap together; it ties in with my past crap because my parents don’t approve of- it and that counteracts the symbolism of it. And while all of these are about guilt and approval, the guy thing is more related to being scared and something that I can control; something that’s optional. I don’t have to do it, yet am.

The crap with the guy is about not knowing if wishing and hoping, sharing, trusting, and letting myself like someone enough to really feel it will be worth the risk. And he really could have his own post. But either outcome in this potential relationship (or any relationship) that I unconditionally give into will be a life changing situation; I’ll either have more crap and heartache or get wrapped up in the discovery process and emotion of a new relationship. It’s terrifying to me. And the guy actually called me just now on his way to work, so that’s yet another step closer to being vulnerable about the uncertainty with the whole situation. It was so much easier when relationships were based on sex, instead of friendship, trust, and compatibility. But as a grown up, I feel that I should move past that -as part of my own growing process- and attempt to have what most people would call a “normal relationship” that involves getting to know a person before having sex. And I guess even me calling it having sex speaks volumes about my past, otherwise I would have called it being intimate or making love. More crap from the past…for another day maybe. I’m off to enhance my normalcy by being unique- just like you.



  1. […] And so I write… ( […]

  2. […] The only thing I can think what his issue with me is, is if he found and read my blog, this blog ( about my “crap” in relation to him, and it scared him. Or maybe he’s read all […]

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